Joke

I Love the way J. John describes his salvation… ‘The light came on. Even my mother noticed a change in me. Alarmed, she said, ‘You have been brainwashed!’ My response was quite simple: ‘Mum, my brain has been washed. If you only knew what was in my brain before, you’d be pleased it got washed.’

Source: J. John, Soul Purpose, p.16-17

I heard a tale about a little boy who went upstairs to his bedroom to write a letter to God about what he wanted for Christmas. “Dear God, he wrote, “I’ve been very good these last twelve months. Please send me a bike.” Then he thought about it and figured that wasn’t quite truthful, so he screwed it up and started again. “Dear God, I’ve been very good these last few months. Please send me a bike.” But then he thought, ‘No, I can’t even say that’. So he screwed it up again and paced up and down thinking what to write… he really wanted a bike! Finally, he went downstairs to the sitting room where there was a Christmas tree, and beside it, a model of the nativity scene complete with figures and animals. He picked up the Virgin Mary and went back upstairs to his bedroom, took a fresh piece of paper, sat down again as his desk and wrote: Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again…!”

Clearly, here’s someone who was desperate for a bicycle and would go to any lengths to get one… But does God need to be persuaded like that, or will God withhold the Holy Spirit from those who want to be filled? No He will not.

I saw a “Cathy” cartoon strip that illustrates how a tempting thought, if left unchecked, can manifest into full-blown sin – (it’s about a lady trying to diet):

Frame 1: ‘I will take a drive, but won’t go near the grocery store.’

Frame 2: ‘I will drive by the grocery store, but will not go in.’

Frame 3: ‘I’ll go in the grocery store, but will not go down the aisle where the candy is on sale.’

Frame 4: ‘I will look at the candy, but not pick it up.’

Frame 5: ‘I will pick it up, but not buy it.’

Frame 6: ‘I will buy it, but not open it.’

Frame 7: ‘Open it, but not smell it.’

Frame 8: ‘Smell it, but not taste it.’

Frame 9: ‘Taste it, but not eat it.’

Frame 10: ‘EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT!

Christmas-cracker jokes:

Q. Why did no-one bid for Rudolf and Blitzen on eBay? A. Because they were two deer!

Q. How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas? A. Deep pan, crisp and even!

Q. What sort of mobile phone has Santa got? A. Pay as you Ho, Ho, Ho!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!

I heard a funny story about a lady who fell asleep during the sermon. Pointing to the man sat next to her, the minister said, ‘Would you please wake that woman up!’ The man replied, ‘You put her to sleep, Reverend, you wake her up!’

Q. Why is dyslexia such a hard word to spell?

A frog goes to see a fortune-teller and is told, “You’re going to meet a very beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

The frog is excited and asks, “Will I meet her at the high school party?”

“No,” said the fortune-teller, “next term in the biology class!”

The Magi, the wise men asked, ‘Where is the one who has been born king of the Jews’? (Matthew 2:2) The wise men really, really wanted to find this ‘king of the Jews; they wanted to meet him so much – and here perhaps is the real Christmas miracle – that men stopped and asked for directions. What man does that?

On the subject of prayer, there’s a funny story told about a family who had the minister over for dinner, and when he got there and sat at the table the Mum asked her five-year-old to say grace.

Puzzled, the child asked, ‘What should I say?’

Her mum replied, ‘Just say what you’ve heard me say, dear.’

So, bowing her head, the little girl prayed, ‘Dear God, why on earth did I invite the minister over for dinner? Amen.’

You know you’re getting older when…

You wake up feeling like the morning after but you haven’t been anywhere.

Your knees buckle but your belt won’t.

You turn out the lights to save money and not to be romantic.

You sink your teeth into a juicy piece of steak, and they stay there.

Anon.

A young lad doing his homework approached his father and asked, “Dad, what does ‘exasperated’ mean?” The father thought for a moment and replied, “It means to be very angry or infuriated.” The boy questioned him further: “Why do people get exasperated?” The dad sat his son down and explained: “Well, it sort of creeps up on you. It usually starts off as an inconvenience, which, if allowed to continue, leads on to annoyance, then anger and finally exasperation. Let me show you how it works…”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. The phone rang several times before it was answered. The father winked playfully at his son and then said, “Hello, is Simon there?” A man with a grumpy voice replied, “There is nobody here by the name of Simon. You have obviously got the wrong number,” and he hung up. “There!” said the father. “That was inconvenience. You see, it took a while for the man to answer the phone and so we obviously dragged him away from something and inconvenienced him by dialling a wrong number.” Then the father dialled the same number and when the man answered, he said again, “Hello, is Simon there?” This time the man on the other end of the phone said, “Look chum, you have just dialled this number and I have told you there is no one here called Simon. Now, please check the number and stop bothering me.” He hung up a second time. The father looked at his son and explained, “Now, we have moved from inconvenience to annoyance… Let’s try again.” With that he dialled the same number for a third time and asked, “Hello, is Simon there?” There was a moment or two of quietness, and then an angry voice bellowed, “What’s the matter with you. Are you stupid? I have already told you that Simon does not live here. STOP DIALLING THIS NUMBER! Do you understand?” The phone was slammed down hard. Again the father looked over at his son and with a mischievous twinkle in his eye, said, “And that was anger! Now for exasperation; watch this…” He dialled the same number again and quietly said, “Hello, this is Simon. Have there been any calls for me?”

Hair jokes:

  • I remember a few years ago looking in the mirror and thinking, I don’t think my hairline is going to survive this recession!
  • Someone bought me a grooming kit with a comb in it last Christmas! – Why would you get a bald guy a comb? – Being polite, I treasured it. Do you know what I said: “Gee thanks, I’ll never be parted with it!”
  • I once heard if you are bald it means God has appreciated your face so much, that he has expanded it to the crown of your head so that he can see more of it. I like that! And to all of you out there who are not bald, I say this: They do not put marble tops on cheap furniture!
  • It’s been said that men with no hair at the back are great lovers. Men with no hair at the front are great thinkers. And men with no hair at the back or the front just think they are great lovers!

In the big decisions of life using our common sense is very important. For example, the Bible tells us that marriage is the norm. But what the Bible won’t tell you is who you should marry.

I heard of one Cockney from the East End of London, who was not a churchgoer. And he had a real dilemma because he was in love with two very beautiful women. And he couldn’t decide. One was called Sharon, and she was blonde and very beautiful, and the other was called Maria, and she was a brunette and also very beautiful. He wasn’t a churchgoer but not knowing whether it was Sharon or Maria, Sharon or Maria, he thought: `Well, I’ll go into a church and pray.’

So he went into a local Catholic church and he knelt down by the altar and being a Cockney he said to the Lord: ‘Oom shall I ‘ave?’ And he looked up, and as he did so he looked at the stained-glass window and he saw in gold letters: Ave Maria!

That’s not the best way to go about it, obviously! Common sense tells us we should ask these questions: are we personally compatible (are we good friends, do we get on)? Are we physically compatible (are we attracted to each other)? Are we spiritually compatible? Paul warns us of the danger of marrying somebody who’s not a Christian, because inevitably we’re going in different directions spiritually, and that can cause tension. So if we’re a Christian we should look to marry someone whose faith we respect.

Alpha DVD and http://www.merredinunitingchurch.org/2012/05/24/alpha-talk-how-does-god-guide-us/

A sign on a church bulletin board says it all: If evolution is true, how come mothers still have only two hands?

It is not just positive thinking… it is positive thinking coupled with positive action that counts. Some people simply overdose on the positive thinking stuff, falsely believing that a positive mental attitude will create miracles. Like the optimist who fell off the top of a multi-storey building: as he passed by each floor he was heard to say, “So far so good!”

A preacher announced from the pulpit, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is we have enough money to pay for the new heating.” A sigh of relief went through the congregation. “The bad news is: the money is still in your pocket!”

One beautiful summers day a new father was walking through the park, pushing his infant son in his pram. The child was screaming loudly but the father, with a determined look on his face, kept murmuring in a reassuring voice, “Easy now, Donald. Everything is going to be alright, you’ll see. Just keep calm. It’s okay, were nearly home, Donald. Come on now… that’s it, calm down, relax… that’s it, you’re doing fine.”

Just then a woman passed by and smiling warmly she said to the young father, “Well, you certainly know how to talk to an upset child – calmly and reassuringly.” The woman then poked her head into the pram and said, “There, there Donald, what’s the matter then?”

“Oh, no!” said the father: “His name is George. I’m Donald!”

The story is told of a monk who joined a monastery and took a vow of silence. Once a year he was invited to appear before the abbot, and he was permitted to say one thing. After the first year when he was asked what he had to say, he replied, ‘The bed is too hard!’ At the end of the second year when he was asked, he responded, ‘The room is too cold!’ At the end of the third year he was asked the same question. He replied, ‘The food is terrible. I quit!’ At that point the abbot smiled with relief and said, ‘Thank goodness! Because you have done nothing but complain ever since you got here! Think about it: even if you joined a monastery you’d still have to deal with difficult people.

Source: The UCB Word For Today, 27/7/2016 and An Enemy Called Average by John Mason, p.35

I love the funny story about a husband and wife who were out Christmas shopping and they agreed to meet up at a certain place and time. The husband wasn’t there when he should have been and his wife got crosser and crosser until she eventually called his mobile and said, ‘I’ve been waiting here for 20 minutes, where the heck are you?’ The husband said: ‘Darling, I’m sorry. You remember that jewellery shop where you fell in love with that diamond necklace and I said I couldn’t afford it but I’d buy it for you one day?’ His wife replied: ‘Oh yes, sweetie, I remember.’ The husband said: ‘I’m in the pub next door!’

There’s a story told about a vicar who was showing a small boy around his church. Standing before a war memorial he said: ‘These are the names of local people who died in the Services.’ The boy look horrified and asked, ‘Did they die in the morning services or the evening services?’

Nicky Gumbel, Alpha Questions of Life, 2007, Eastbourne: Kingsway Communications, p.203

A freshly minted lieutenant wanted to impress the first private to enter his new office, and he pretended to be on the phone with a general so that the private would know that he was somebody.

“Yes sire, General, you can count on me,” he said as he banged the receiver down. Then he asked the private what he wanted.

“I’m just here to connect your phone, sir.”

Source: John Ortberg, The Me I Want To Be, 2010, Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, p.24

10 Translations to Understand What A Man Really Means When He Says…

  1. “It would take too long to explain it, Dear.” – Translation: “I haven’t got the foggiest idea how it works!”
  2. “Please don’t fuss: it’s just a little cut, it’s no big deal.” – Translation: “It hurts like ‘heck’ but I will bleed to death before I admit it!”
  3. “Do you want some help with dinner, Honey?” – Translation: “How come the food isn’t on the table yet?”
  4. “Honey, I can’t find it.” – Translation: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands. Please come and get it for me.”
  5. “Honey, that outfit looks great on you.” – Translation: “Come on, let’s go, I’m starving!”
  6. “It’s a ‘MAN’ thing, you wouldn’t understand.” – Translation: “There is just no rational thought behind it and it’s just plain stupid, okay.”
  7. “That’s interesting, Dear.” – Translation: “For goodness sake, please stop talking.”
  8. Uh huh, Yep, Okay, Sure Honey, in a minute and Yes Dear – Translation: All of these are ‘reflex action responses’ that mean absolutely zilch!
  9. “Honey, you’re working too hard: sit down and put your feet up.” – Translation: “I can’t concentrate on the game while the vacuum cleaner is on.”
  10. “No, I’m not lost.” – Translation: “I haven’t got a clue where we are but it’s just not in my nature to ask someone for directions.”

Anonymous - adapted from a social media post in mass circulation

Trying to run or hide away from a problem only compounds the problem. The following tale demonstrates the point: Jimmy’s mother shouted up the stairs, “Come on, son, it’s time to get up and get ready for school.” But Jimmy pulled the duvet up over his head and ignored his mother’s calling. A few minutes later she knocked on his door and in a firmer voice she called out, “Come on. You’ve got to get up right now, otherwise you’ll be late!”

Jimmy replied from under the covers, “I’m not going to school. In fact, I’m never going again.”

“Don’t be silly,” said his mother, “You’ve got to go to school.”

“I’m NOT going!” was the response. “There are nearly a thousand kids in that school and they all hate me, every last one of them. Even the teachers and the caretaker hate me, and every day I end up in some sort of fight or conflict. So just give me one good reason why I should go.”

“I’ll do more than that,” said his mother. “I’ll give you two: “Firstly, because you are 42 years of age, and secondly, because you are the headmaster!”

Excerpt from Discover Your True Potential” by R. Ian Seymour

A Sunday school teacher asked the children: “Why is it necessary to be quiet when you go into the church?” A little girl called replied, “Because the people are sleeping.”

It has to be said, many people think of church services as boring, sometimes dead-boring, and to be fair a lot of church services are… BUT they absolutely should not be!

It is not wise to undertake a task or journey without making detailed plans, as the following tale demonstrates:

A man flying in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. Reducing altitude, he spotted a man on the ground and descended to shouting range.

“Excuse me,” he shouted, “can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him a half hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below responded, “You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” responded the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of the information, and the fact is I am still lost.”

Whereupon, the man on the ground responded, “You must be a manager.”

“That I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the engineer, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”

I don’t pretend to be the world’s best husband or the world’s greatest expert on marriage but not so long ago my wife said I was a ‘model husband’. I thought that was a compliment until I looked up in the dictionary and discovered that a model is a small imitation of the real thing!

‘Advantages of Being a Man’

  1. Men don’t have to shave below the neckline
  2. Men can open their own jam jars
  3. Men can go to the bathroom by themselves in a restaurant.
  4. Men can do their Christmas shopping in 45 minutes flat!
  5. Men can do their nails with a pocket knife
  6. Car mechanics always tell men the truth!
  7. Men can watch football with other men without thinking they’re crazy.

by Richard Coekin

I heard an embarrassing but funny story, apparently true, about someone getting the wrong impression: A lady called Mrs Shelly Watson was about to step out of the shower when she realised there were no clean towels in the bathroom. Not unduly concerned (the house being empty) she walked naked downstairs to get a towel from the tumble drier, which was in the back porch, but she hadn’t managed to get a towel out of the machine when she heard the milkman coming up the porch steps. He always left the milk on the back step and so she quickly stepped inside a cupboard, in case he should look through the screen door and see her. As she stood waiting for him to leave, the cupboard door was suddenly flung open, and standing in front of her was the gas meter reader! In her embarrassment she blurted out, “Aarrgghh! I thought you were the milkman!” – Shelly’s husband, who had come home unexpectedly and had shown the meter reader where to find the meter, was not amused.

Incredible Urban Legends, Tobar Ltd: Suffolk (2007), p.7

A little boy prayed loudly: ‘Please God, bring me a train set for my birthday.’ To which his mother answered, ‘There is no need to shout, dear! God isn’t deaf.’ Back came the reply, ‘No, but Grandpa is, and he is in the next room!’ When we pray, it is not to others, or to ourselves, but to God.

Nicky Gumbel, Alpha: Questions of Life, 2007, Eastbourne: Kingsway, p.68

Please stop procrastinating immediately: whatever it is it can wait until tomorrow!

A humourist explaining his predisposition to procrastinate once said, “I am rather like a mosquito in a nudist camp: I know what I ought to do, but I don’t know where to begin.”

I heard a funny tale about a husband and wife: After being married for 25 years and intending to make their silver anniversary a memorable one, the wife asked her husband to describe her. Well, he looked at her and said, “You’re A,B, C,D, E,F,G,H, … and I,J,K.” The wife was puzzled and so she asked, “Now, what does that mean?” He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot.” The wife smiled: She beamed at him and said, “You’re such a sweetie, but what about I,J,K, what does that stand for?” He looked back at her and said, “I’m Just Kidding!”

Q. How many church members does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Who said anything about change?

I heard a funny tale about a girl who goes to the pet shop and buys a parrot in a cage after the shopkeeper assures her the bird can talk. Well, the next day she is back at the shop again asking for advice because the bird hasn’t spoken. The shopkeeper suggests a toy ladder might help, but it doesn’t. The next day she is back at the shop again and is persuaded to try a swing for the bird. The next day, a mirror… then a plastic tree for scenery, then a bell and a toy bird for company. Nothing works! At the end of the week the girl returns to the pet shop with the parrot dead on the bottom of the cage. The pet shop owner can’t believe it: “Didn’t the bird say anything at all before it died?” he asked. “Yes, finally he did,” said the girl. “He said, ‘don’t they sell food at that pet shop?”’ – And the moral behind this little tale is this: We shouldn’t wander around looking for the next new thing or the next spiritual high. Instead we should focus and feed on God’s Word.

Dr Joe R. Brown of Rochester, Minnesota, tells of the frustration he encountered while trying to take a physical history on a patient. The man’s wife kept answering every question. Finally, Dr Brown requested that she leave the room. But after she left he discovered that her husband couldn’t speak. Calling the wife back, Dr Brown apologised for not realising the man had aphasia (loss of speech) and couldn’t speak a word. The wife was even more astonished because she didn’t know either!

Cited in The UCB Word For Today, 13/04/2016

Two shopkeepers were bitter rivals. Their stores were directly across the street from each other, and they would spend each day keeping track of each other’s business. If one got a customer, he would smile in triumph at his rival. One night an angel appeared to one of the shopkeepers in a dream and said, “I will give you anything you ask, but whatever you receive, your competitor will receive twice as much. Would you be rich? You can be very rich, but he will be twice as wealthy. Do you wish to live a long and healthy life? You can, but his life will be longer and healthier. What is your desire?” The man frowned, thought for a moment, and then said, “Here is my request: Strike me blind in one eye!” (Anon)

Man to his wife: “I just can’t figure it out. Why would God make you so beautiful and yet at the same time so stupid?”

Wife to husband: “Oh, that’s easy dear. God made me beautiful so that you’d ask me to marry you, and he made me stupid so that I would agree to it!”

“Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.”

Herb True, motivational speaker

In his book, ‘The Me I Want To Be’, John Ortberg shares this humorous analogy: “Have you ever seen an animal repent? We have a dog and a cat. Our dog sleeps in a little house every night, and he always gets a treat before he retires. He expects it. He feels entitled to it. When I stand up after 9:00pm, he goes crazy with anticipation. He stands at the door of the cupboard where the treats are and won’t go into his house without a treat. But sometimes the dog does a bad thing. When that happens, and when we find the bad thing, he does not expect a treat. He will run from us. He will actually kennel himself without a treat. He knows he’s been bad.

Sometimes our cat does something wrong. Do you think the cat repents? No. Do you know why? Cats are evil. Somebody once said the difference between a cat and a dog is that a dog has a master, while a cat has staff!”

John Ortberg, The Me I Want To Be’ 2010, Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, p.164-165

A pastor consulted his doctor about his wife’s snoring. ‘Does it really bother you that much?’ the doctor asked. ‘It’s not just me,’ the pastor replied. ‘It’s bothering the whole congregation!’

Somebody sent me a collection of amusing bulletins that were announced or appeared in church notices. I thought you might appreciate one or two of them; like the church notice that said:

  • Don’t forget the second-hand bring and buy sale on Saturday. It’s a chance to get rid of all those things lying around the house not worth keeping. Bring your husbands.
  • At the service tonight the sermon topic is “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to choir practice.
  • Mothers Union “Good-as-New” Sale: The ladies from the Church have cast off clothing of every kind and they can be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.

A sign outside a church read: “Don’t be anxious. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the church help you.”

The story is told of a monk who joined a monastery and took a vow of silence. Once a year he was invited to appear before the abbot, and he was permitted to say one thing. After the first year when he was asked what he had to say, he replied, ‘The bed is too hard!’

At the end of the second year when he was asked, he responded, ‘The room is too cold!’

At the end of the third year he was asked the same question. He replied, ‘The food is terrible. I quit!’

At that point the abbot smiled with relief and said, ‘Thank goodness! Because you have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!

Man to his wife: “I just can’t figure it out. Why would God make you so beautiful and yet at the same time so stupid?”

Wife to husband: “Oh, that’s easy dear. God made me beautiful so that you’d ask me to marry you, and he made me stupid so that I would agree to it!”

Dr Joe Brown of Rochester, Minnesota, tells of the frustration he encountered while trying to take a physical history on a patient. The man’s wife kept answering every question. Finally, Dr Brown requested that she leave the room. But after she left he discovered that her husband couldn’t speak. Calling the wife back, Dr Brown apologised for not realising the man had aphasia (loss of speech) and couldn’t speak a word. The wife was even more astonished because she didn’t know either!

Cited in The UCB Word For Today, 13/04/2016

A man, who died, arrived at the pearly gates of heaven and is met by St. Peter:

Peter says: “I don’t know if you realise that we have a points system before you can get into heaven; you need 100 points from your life on earth.”

The man replies: “Well I lived with my wife faithfully for 50 years and never looked at another woman. Does that count?”

“Very good. Three points,” says Peter.

“And I went to church every week and tithed my income.”

“Well done. Two points,” said Peter.

Getting frustrated the man said, “And I organised a gift of clothing to AIDS orphans in Africa.”

“Excellent, three points,” nodded Peter.

“But I’ve only got eight points. At this rate I’ll never get into heaven but for the grace of God.”

“Excellent, 100 points” Peter beamed. “Come on in, brother!”

Source: John Pritchard, Going to Church, 2009, London: SPCK, p.57

In a trial one Christmas time the judge asked the defendant: “What are you charged with?” The man said: “Doing my Christmas shopping early.” “But that’s not an offence,” said the judge. “How early were you doing your shopping?” The man replied, “Before the store opened!”

Source: The Real Christmas, Christianity Explored booklet, by Marcus Hodder and Tim Thornborough, p.7-8

A Christian farmer supposedly taught his horse to start and to stop, using words from the Bible. When he wanted the horse to go, he would shout, ‘Praise the Lord.’ When he wanted the horse to stop, he would shout, ‘Hallelujah.’ All went well until one day a thunderbolt caused the horse to take off galloping at full speed. Realising he had lost control, the farmer panicked and forgot the words he had trained the horse to respond to. Up ahead was a cliff, and they were headed towards it at full speed. Desperately he tried to recall every religious word he’d ever heard of. He shouted, ‘Amen! Jesus saves! Worthy is the Lamb! Holy!’ Nothing worked. Just as the horse approached the precipice, he remembered and shouted, ‘Hallelujah!’ The horse stopped right there on the edge. Relieved, he wiped the sweat off his brow and said, ‘Whew, praise the Lord!’

Source: The UCB Word For Today, 29/01/2018

I love the funny story about a husband and wife who were out shopping and they agreed to meet up at a certain place and time. The husband wasn’t there when he should have been and his wife got crosser and crosser until she eventually called his mobile and said, ‘I’ve been waiting here for 20 minutes, where the heck are you?’

The husband said: ‘Darling, I’m sorry. You remember that jewellery shop where you fell in love with that diamond necklace and I said I couldn’t afford it but I’d buy it for you one day?’

His wife replied: ‘Oh yes, sweetie, I remember.’

The husband said: ‘I’m in the pub next door!’

Tim Thornborough asks: Is it possible to like Christmas too much? Andy Park, who calls himself “Mr Christmas”, has celebrated Christmas every day since 1994. He drinks champagne, sends himself cards and gifts, and sits down to a turkey dinner after watching a recording of the Queen’s speech. Over the years, Mr Park has chewed his way through 150,000 Brussel sprouts, and eaten in excess of 100,000 mince pies, washed down with gallons of sherry. But all of this joyful celebration has not come without cost. Mr Park, an electrician, was advised by doctors to stop his habit when his weight ballooned to over 19 stone. Mr Park, who is single, confesses he has spent a small fortune on Christmas, adding, “It’s hard to find a woman who wants to celebrate Christmas every day with you.” – I want to say to him… it might also be something to do with sprouts, Andy!

Source: Tim Thornborough, 2016, How To Have A Happy Christmas, booklet by The Good Book Company

Some more one liners:

  • I always wanted to be a procrastinator… just never got around to it!
  • When you start to look like your passport photograph it’s a good indication that you need a holiday!
  • One day soon YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will join together. It will be called YouTwitFace.
  • I’m starting a club for insomniacs if anybody’s up for it.
  • I asked the wife what she wanted for Christmas. She said that she didn’t mind as long as it had diamonds in it. A pack of playing cards it is then.
  • If anyone knows how to correct cosmetic surgery that’s gone horribly wrong, I’m all ears.
  • Don’t use a colander for viewing the upcoming eclipse; you might strain your eyes.
  • I suffer from diarrhoea, my dad suffers from diarrhea, and my grandad suffers from diarrhea: Runs in the family!
  • Two coffee beans were talking. “Er, erm, errr, I ummm, err, hmmm, errr,” said the first coffee bean. “Come on,” said the other coffee bean, “Express yourself!”
  • I got my tube of pile ointment mixed up with my Colgate. I now have shrinking gums and a ring of confidence!
  • Just realised that there is a Constipation Club meet up this evening and I can’t go.
  • Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?
  • I’ve got a job in a salt and pepper factory which is great but it’s only seasonal!
  • We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank was a monster.
  • I used to dread walking under horse chestnut trees in the autumn. But after years of therapy… I’ve managed to conker it.
  • Vegans say that butchers are gross. But I think people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.
  • Did you hear the joke about the three holes filled with water? Well. Well. Well.
  • People who use selfie sticks need to take a long look at themselves.
  • I’ve just been to a Vegas Elvis Presley themed steak house. It’s aimed at people who love meat tender.
  • If the Pope buys stuff online, does he use his papal account?

I heard a tale about a little boy who went upstairs to his bedroom to write a letter to God about what he wanted for Christmas. “Dear God, he wrote, “I’ve been very good these last twelve months. Please send me a bike.” Then he thought about it and figured that wasn’t quite truthful, so he screwed it up and started again. “Dear God, I’ve been very good these last few months. Please send me a bike.” But then he thought, ‘No, I can’t even say that’. So he screwed it up again and paced up and down thinking what to write… he really wanted a bike! Finally, he went downstairs to the sitting room where there was a Christmas tree, and beside it, a model of the nativity scene complete with figures and animals. He picked up the Virgin Mary and went back upstairs to his bedroom, took a fresh piece of paper, sat down again as his desk and wrote: Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again…!”

Some junior school children were asked to define what love is… Here are a few of my favourite responses:

“When my grandma got arthritis”, said Rebecca aged 8, “she couldn’t bend over to paint her toenails anymore. So my granddad does it for her now all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s what love is.”

Elaine, age 5, said, “Love is when mummy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.”

Kari age 5, “Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on aftershave and they go out and smell each other!”

After the church service a little boy walked up to the minister and said, “When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money.”

“Well, thank you,” the minister replied, “but why do you want to do that?”

“Because” said the little boy, “my dad says you’re one of the poorest preachers this church has ever had.”

I read some quips on how you can tell if you’re getting old. See if you recognise any of these: You know you’re getting older when…

  • You are told to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.
  • Your actions creak louder than your words!
  • It takes more time to recover than it did to tire out!
  • Your knees buckle but your belt won’t and…
  • You wake up feeling like the morning after but you haven’t been anywhere.
  • You sink your teeth into a juicy piece of steak, and they stay there.
  • You turn out the lights to save money and not to be romantic.
  • Personally, I know that the words ‘a chest of drawers’ take on a whole new meaning as you grow older and find yourself constantly trying to stop your chest from falling into your drawers!

A man who was sizing up God by asking, “God how long is a million years to you?”

God said, “A million years is like a second.”

Then the man asked, “Well, then, how much is a million dollars to you?”

God said, “A million dollars is like a penny.”

The man smiled and said, “Could you spare me a penny?”

God smiled back and said, “Sure, just wait a second.”

Source: Mark Batterson, The Circle Maker, 2011, Michigan: Zondervan, p.74

  • Sometimes people think of church as being like a giant helicopter. They don’t want to get too close in case the get sucked into the rotas!
  • Some people say ‘I really want to be used!’ But if you ask them to put the chairs out they say, ‘Now I’m just being used!’
  • A perfect church would be a community of hermits.
  • Why don’t you turn to the person sat next to you and say… ‘This is really embarrassing isn’t it?’
  • Who was it that said that brilliant thing about being conceited? Oh yes, it was me!
  • Sometimes I feel like Joseph at the inn in Bethlehem holding a crib of straw and saying, ‘No, I asked to see the manager!’
  • There’s a fine line between being different to everyone else, and just being a weirdo!
  • Sometimes religion can seem like the last person in a long game of Chinese whispers. Once Jesus said ‘Love God and each other’, and now we have Easter Bunny!

10 Second Sermons by Milton Jones

A wife says to her husband of fifty years as they lie in bed one night, “When we were young, you used to hold my hand every night.” Slowly and a little irritably, his hand reaches over until it finds hers… “And when we were young,” she goes on, “you used to cuddle up next to me in bed.” A little more slowly, her husband’s body creaks and turns until it is nestling against hers… “And when we were young, you used to nibble on my ears.” Abruptly the covers are thrown back, and the man lurches out of bed… “Where are you going?” she asks a little miffed. “I’m going to get my teeth,” he grumbles.

Many hands make light work, but some people insist on learning this the hard way. Consider the following letter to an insurance company, from a bricklayer who was injured while trying to get a load of bricks down from the top of a twelve-storey building, without any help.

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for further information regarding my recent claim for medical benefits and loss of earnings.

I was working alone on the roof of a 12-storey building and I had about a 500lb load of bricks left over. Instead of carrying the bricks down by hand, I decided to put them in a barrel and lower them down by a pulley, which had already been fastened to the top of the building. First of all, I secured the rope at ground level and then I ran back up to the 12th -floor and swung the barrel of bricks out over the side of the building. Then I came back down to the pavement and untied the rope, holding on to it tightly so that I could guide the barrel down slowly. But since I weigh only 180 pounds, the 500-pound load of bricks jerked me from the ground so fast that I didn’t get chance to think about letting go of the rope!

Somewhere between the 5th and 6th floor, I met the barrel coming down. This accounts for my broken collarbone. I was slowed down slightly but continued my ascent until I reached the top, where my hand then became jammed in the pulley. This accounts for my three broken fingers. Fortunately, I still had sense to hold on to the rope but then the barrel hit the ground and the bottom fell out. With the 500 pounds of bricks now gone, the barrel only weighed about 50 pounds and so, as I am sure you can imagine, my 180-pound body began a swift descent. I met the empty barrel coming up again around the 6th floor and this accounts for my two broken ankles and the lacerations to my lower body. Slowed again, but only slightly, I continued my descent until I landed slap bang on top of the pile of bricks. This accounts for my sprained back and broken arm. It was at this point that I completely lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope! The now empty barrel came crashing down on top of my head and this accounts for my fractured skull.

It is not wise to undertake a task or journey without making detailed plans, as the following tale demonstrates:

A man flying in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. Reducing altitude, he spotted a man on the ground and descended to shouting range.

“Excuse me,” he shouted, “can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him a half hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below responded, “You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” responded the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of the information, and the fact is I am still lost.”

Whereupon, the man on the ground responded, “You must be a manager.”

“That I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the engineer, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”

A change is a good as a rest: Everyday Bill brought his packed lunch along to the building site where he was working. And every day, at lunchtime, he would open his lunch box and exclaim, “Oh no! Cheese sandwiches again!” After several weeks of listening to this same daily comment, one of his workmates finally said, “Look if you are fed up with cheese why don’t you ask your wife to put something different in your sandwiches?” Bill looked up and replied, “I don’t have a wife. I’m single!” His workmate looked puzzled and asked, “Well, who makes your sandwiches then?” To this Bill simply replied, “I do!”

MORAL: If you continue doing what you’ve always done you are going continue getting the same results.

There was once a billionaire who lived in Texas. The man owned around 400,000 acres of prime land on which he had several thousand head of cattle, dozens of producing oil wells and a beautiful 29 roomed mansion complete with an Olympic sized swimming pool. He also had a very beautiful young daughter who was 20 years of age.

Well, the father decided that the time had come for his daughter and only heir to be married and so he set about finding a suitable candidate for her husband. He decided to have a coming-out party and sent out hundreds of invitations to likely candidates, inviting them to his mansion for the party.

Well, the day of the party arrived and almost all of the young men within a 50 mile radius turned up for the big event. There was much feasting, music and dancing. Then, later in the evening the father led everyone out to the swimming pool, which he had previously stocked up with alligators. And he said to the young men, “Now the first one of you who will jump in this pool and swim the length of it, I will give him one of three choices. You can either have 10,000 acres of my best land, or you can have 2 million dollars in cash, or you can have the hand of my beautiful daughter in marriage. Now I don’t need to tell you that she is my only heir and the man who gets her will also, one day, get my whole estate.”

Well, no sooner were the words out of his mouth, there was a big splash down at one end of the swimming pool, followed almost immediately by the emergence of a dripping wet young man at the other end of the pool. He had just set a world record for the fastest swim ever. As he was regaining his breath the host approached him and congratulated him.

The host said, “Son, that was fantastic, well done. Now you get your choice. Do you want the 10,000 acres of land?”

The young man said,” No sir.”

He said, “Well then, do you want the 2 million dollars in cash?”

The young man said, “No sir.”

He said, “Well in that case, I must assume that you want the hand of my beautiful daughter in marriage?”

And the young man said, “No sir.”

So the host said, “Well son, for crying out loud, what do you want?”

The young man replied, “I want to know the name of that dude who pushed me in the pool!”

Source: Zig Ziglar off one of his audio programmes? Also quoted in The Sowers’s Seeds, Vol. 1 p.55

Christmas and The 4 Stages of Life:

  1. You believe in Santa Claus
  2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
  3. You dress up as Santa Claus
  4. You look like Santa Claus

Ten Things You Never Hear Said In A Church:

  1. I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before.
  2. I’m so excited about the 52-week sermon series on Leviticus.
  3. I don’t think the vicar ought to try ‘House of the Rising Sun’ at the Family Service again.
  4. It’s my turn to sit on the front pew.
  5. I was so enjoying the sermon I completely forgot I was due on the golf course at noon.
  6. Vicar, we’d like to send you on this month-long training course in the Bahamas.
  7. I volunteer to be a permanent teacher in the Sunday School.
  8. The Annual Church Meeting is the highlight of my year.
  9. I always feel better after I’ve doubled my annual stewardship pledge.
  10. Jesus who?

John Pritchard, Going to Church, 2009, London: SPCK, p.41

The church has been likened to a football match, in which thousands of people desperately in need of exercise watch twenty-two people desperately in need of a rest!

In an old “Peanuts” comic strip, the ill-tempered Lucy walks into the room where her little brother, Linus, is watching TV. “I was here first,” says Linus, “so I get to watch what I want.” Without acknowledging him Lucy just walks over to the TV and switches over to another channel. “HEY!” shouts Linus. Finally, Lucy looks over at him and then comments, “In the 19th chapter of the book of Matthew it says, ‘Many that are first will be last, and the last first.’” Linus loses out and in the final caption he murmurs, “I’ll bet Matthew didn’t have an older sister!”

In a Sunday school the teacher asked if anyone knew what the Christian name for God was, and Charlie, put up his hand and said, “God’s name is Harold, miss.”

“What makes you think God’s name is Harold?” the teacher asked.

“Because when we say the Lord’s Prayer we say, ‘Our Father in heaven, Harold be your name!’”

I married my wife for better or for worse. I couldn’t have done any better and she couldn’t have done any worse!

I don’t pretend to be the world’s best husband or the world’s greatest expert on marriage but not so long ago my wife said I was a ‘model husband’. I thought that was a compliment until I looked up in the dictionary and discovered that a model is a small imitation of the real thing!

According to an anonymous e-mail the following article about ‘men’ was seen in a woman’s publication:

Men are like government bonds; they take so long to mature.

Men are like high heel shoes; they’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like horoscopes; they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like mascara; they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like place mats; they generally only show up when there’s food on the table.

Men are like new-born babies; they’re cute at first, but you soon get tired of cleaning up after them.

Men are like laxatives; they irritate the “stuffing” out of you.

One young lad asked another: “What does your dad do for a living?”

He responded, “He’s an entertainer, a magician. He saws people in half!”

“Wow!” said the first boy. “Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

“Yes,” he said, “I have three half-brothers and two half-sisters!”

There’s a story about a man who was out walking, and who lost his footing and fell over the edge of a cliff. As he slipped over the side he managed to grab hold of the root a tree. Filled with panic, he called out, ‘Help. Is there anyone up there?’ A powerful voice came from out of the sky, ‘Yes, what you want?’ The man pleaded, ‘I fell over the cliff and am holding on to a branch for dear life. Please can you help me?’ The voice from above said, ‘Do you have faith in God?’ And the man replied, ‘Yes, I believe and have faith.’ The voice said, ‘Then, let go of the branch and I will catch you!’ There was a tense pause, and then the man yelled out, ‘Is there anyone else up there?’

A little boy was doing a school project on his family. He came home one day and asked: “Dad, where did I come from?” The flustered father replied: “The stork brought you.” A while later he asked his mother, “Mum, where did you come from?” “I was found under a gooseberry bush,” she said. Granny also happened to be staying with them so the little boy asked her, and she too held the same line, “The stork brought me,” she said. – Well next day, he went back to school and started to write his project. It began: There hasn’t been a normal birth in our family for three generations…

In the case of Jesus though, it really wasn’t a normal birth because Jesus was conceived by the Holy Spirit: (Well actually, it was a normal birth. It was not a normal conception!) Does that seem far-fetched to you? It’s not just far-fetched – it’s absurd, it’s impossible, humanly speaking. But that is precisely the point. This was God intervening in the world, in a unique way: it was a miracle.

Source: The Real Christmas, Christianity Explored booklet, by Marcus Hodder and Tim Thornborough, New Malden, Surrey: The Good Book Company, p.3-4

I heard a story about a missionary working among children in the Middle East who was driving her jeep down a road when she ran out of petrol. She had no jerry can in her car. All she could find was a potty. She walked a mile down the road to the nearest petrol station and filled the potty with petrol. As she was pouring the petrol into the tank, a large black limousine drew up alongside with two wealthy oil sheikhs in it. They were absolutely fascinated at seeing her pouring the contents of the potty into the jeep. One of them opened the window and said, ‘Excuse me! My friend and I, although we do not share your religion, we greatly admire your faith!’

Quoted by Nicky Gumbel in Alpha Questions of Life, 2007 edition, Eastbourne: Kingsway Communications, p.21

A wife says to her husband of fifty years as they lie in bed one night, “When we were young, you used to hold my hand every night.”

Slowly and a little irritably, his hand reaches over until it finds hers…

“And when we were young,” she goes on, “you used to cuddle up next to me in bed.”

A little more slowly, her husband’s body creaks and turns until it is nestling against hers…

“And when we were young, you used to nibble on my ears.”

Abruptly the covers are thrown back, and the man lurches out of bed…

“Where are you going?” she asks a little miffed.

“I’m going to get my teeth,” he grumbles.

Source: Tony Evans, Victory In Spiritual Warfare, 2011, Oregon: Harvest House Publishing, p.209-210

Viscountess Astor (1879-1964), the first woman politician to sit in the British House of Commons had a long-standing feud with Winston Churchill. The following discourse is an extract from one of their many heated debates.

Viscountess Astor: “If I were your wife, I would put poison in your coffee!”

Winston Churchill: “Madam, if I were your husband I would drink it!”

I heard a story about a missionary working among children in the Middle East who was driving her jeep down a road when she ran out of petrol. She had no jerry can in her car. All she could find was a potty. She walked a mile down the road to the nearest petrol station and filled the potty with petrol. As she was pouring the petrol into the tank, a large black limousine drew up alongside with two wealthy oil sheikhs in it. They were absolutely fascinated at seeing her pouring the contents of the potty into the jeep. One of them opened the window and said, ‘Excuse me! My friend and I, although we do not share your religion, we greatly admire your faith!’

Quoted by Nicky Gumbel in Alpha Questions of Life, 2007 edition, Eastbourne: Kingsway Communications, p.21

A little boy was doing a school project on his family. He came home one day and asked: “Dad, where did I come from?”

The flustered father replied: “The stork brought you.”

A while later he asked his mother, “Mum, where did you come from?”

“I was found under a gooseberry bush,” she said.

Granny also happened to be staying with them so the little boy asked her, and she too held the same line, “The stork brought me,” she said.

Well next day, he went back to school and started to write his project. It began: “There hasn’t been a normal birth in our family for three generations!”

Source: The Real Christmas, Christianity Explored booklet, by Marcus Hodder and Tim Thornborough, New Malden, Surrey: The Good Book Company, p.3-4

One writer, rather cynically, said, Christmas shopping is like a tumble dryer: you go round and round the shops in circles, get very hot, and then when you get home you realise you’ve been taken to the cleaners! There has got to be more to Christmas than shopping, surely.

Source: Vaughan Roberts booklet, Christmas In Three Words.

Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Did you hear about the guy who prayed, ‘Lord, so far today I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped or lost my temper, and I haven’t been nasty or greedy or grumpy. But in a few minutes I am going to have to get out of bed, and then I am going to need all the help I can get.’

Someone asked my wife: “Do you ever wake up grumpy in the morning?”

“No,” she said, “I let him sleep.”

A Sunday school class were studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. A little girl, Charlotte, raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbour’s wife.”

  1. 765% of all statistics are useless information.

After a big argument, a couple were driving along in silence when they passed a field filled with mules and donkeys. “Relatives of yours?” he asked. “Yes,” she replied, “in-laws!”

The words ‘a chest of drawers’ take on a whole new meaning as you grow older and find yourself constantly trying to stop your chest from falling into your drawers!

You know you are old when you have lost all your marvels.

You know you are getting old when actions creak louder than words.

You know you are getting old when you are told to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.

“People are funny. They want a place in front of the bus, the back of the church and the middle of the road. Tell a man there are 300 billion stars, and he will believe you. Tell that same man that a bench has just been painted, and he has to touch it to be sure.”

John C. Maxwell

Englishmen love the gospel because it is something to argue and debate about.

Welshmen love the gospel because it is something to sing about.

And Scotsmen… well, they love the gospel because it’s FREE!

How well do you know the Bible? There is a story told about a young lad who brought his friend home from school, but he was embarrassed because his granny was sitting in the armchair reading her Bible. The boy, feeling uncomfortable, turned to his friend and whispered, ‘Don’t worry about Granny, she’s revising; she’s swotting for her finals!’

Two caterpillars sitting on a leaf saw a butterfly passing by. One turned to the other and said, ‘Huh, you won’t catch me up there in one of those things!’

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

Anon.

If you want something doing, do it yourself, pay someone else to do it or ask your children not to do it!

“I am absolutely convinced that there is no life on Mars, because there is no entries on my teenage daughter’s phone bill.”

Attributed to Larry Matthews

Q: Why did the teenager cross the road? – A: Because his parents asked him not to!

During parents evening at school, Johnny’s teacher said, “The good news is that Johnny comes up with some very creative ideas. The bad news is that they are all in his spelling!”

Most people’s opinion of a good sermon is one that goes right over their heads and hits their neighbour right between the eyes!

Someone asked: What would have happened if there had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men? Answer: The women would have asked directions; arrived on time; helped deliver the baby; cleaned the stable; made a casserole, and brought practical gifts, like a cot or nappies!

At Christmas the overcrowding on the streets and in the shops can lead to so-called ‘Santa-Claustrophobia’!