Humour

Christmas-cracker jokes:

Q. Why did no-one bid for Rudolf and Blitzen on eBay? A. Because they were two deer!

Q. How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas? A. Deep pan, crisp and even!

Q. What sort of mobile phone has Santa got? A. Pay as you Ho, Ho, Ho!

I’m reminded of the man who was sizing up God by asking, “God how long is a million years to you?”

God said, “A million years is like a second.”

Then the man asked, “How much is a million dollars to you?”

God said, “A million dollars is like a penny.”

The man smiled and said, “Could you spare me a penny?”

God smiled back and said, “Sure, just wait a second.”

Source: Mark Batterson, The Circle Maker, 2011, Michigan: Zondervan, p.74

I heard a funny story about a lady who fell asleep during the sermon. Pointing to the man sat next to her, the minister said, ‘Would you please wake that woman up!’ The man replied, ‘You put her to sleep, Reverend, you wake her up!’

Viscountess Astor (1879-1964), the first woman politician to sit in the British House of Commons had a long-standing feud with Winston Churchill. The following discourse is an extract from one of their many heated debates.

Viscountess Astor: “If I were your wife, I would put poison in your coffee!”

Winston Churchill: “Madam, if I were your husband I would drink it.”

Hair jokes:

  • I remember a few years ago looking in the mirror and thinking, I don’t think my hairline is going to survive this recession!
  • Someone bought me a grooming kit with a comb in it last Christmas! – Why would you get a bald guy a comb? – Being polite, I treasured it. Do you know what I said: “Gee thanks, I’ll never be parted with it!”
  • I once heard if you are bald it means God has appreciated your face so much, that he has expanded it to the crown of your head so that he can see more of it. I like that! And to all of you out there who are not bald, I say this: They do not put marble tops on cheap furniture!
  • It’s been said that men with no hair at the back are great lovers. Men with no hair at the front are great thinkers. And men with no hair at the back or the front just think they are great lovers!

A sign outside a church read: “Don’t be anxious. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the church help you.”

In an old “Peanuts” comic strip, the ill-tempered Lucy walks into the room where her little brother, Linus, is watching TV.

“I was here first,” says Linus, “so I get to watch what I want.”

Without acknowledging him Lucy just walks over to the TV and switches over to another channel.

“HEY!” shouts Linus.

Finally, Lucy looks over at him and then comments, “In the 19th chapter of the book of Matthew it says, ‘Many that are first will be last, and the last first.’”

Linus loses out and in the final caption he murmurs, “I’ll bet Matthew didn’t have an older sister!”

A preacher announced from the pulpit, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is we have enough money to pay for the new heating.” A sigh of relief went through the congregation. “The bad news is: the money is still in your pocket!”

A little boy in Sunday school was asked what a lie was: “It is an abomination to God,” he replied, “and an ever-present help in times of trouble!”

Source: Intercessory Prayer by Dutch Sheets, p.115

Do you have what’s been termed as ‘hurry-sickness’? John Ortberg suggests that if you have ‘hurry-sickness’ you are haunted by the fear that there are just not enough hours in the day to do what needs to be done. We will read faster, talk faster, and when listening, nod faster to encourage the talker to accelerate. We will find ourselves chafing whenever we have to wait. At a traffic light, if there are two lanes and each contains one car, we will find ourselves guessing – based on the year, make and model of each car – which one will pull away faster. At the supermarket, if we have a choice between two check-out lanes, we find ourselves counting how many people are in each line, and multiplying this number by the number of items in [their shopping trolley]. If we have a really bad case of hurry sickness, then even after we commit to a check-out queue we keep track of the person who would have been me in the other line. If we get through and the other person who would have been me is still waiting we are elated. Ha! We’ve won. But if the alter-me is walking out of the store and we’re still in line, we feel frustrated; depressed. If we can relate to any of those symptoms we have hurry sickness.

Source: John Ortberg. The Life You’ve Always Wanted, 2002, Michigan USA: Zondervan, p.79-80

A freshly minted lieutenant wanted to impress the first private to enter his new office, and he pretended to be on the phone with a general so that the private would know that he was somebody.

“Yes sire, General, you can count on me,” he said as he banged the receiver down. Then he asked the private what he wanted.

“I’m just here to connect your phone, sir.”

Source: John Ortberg, The Me I Want To Be, 2010, Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, p.24

“One of my favourite stories about intercessory prayer comes from Tony Campolo. A prayer meeting was held for him just before he spoke at a Pentecostal college chapel service. Eight men took Tony to a back room of the chapel, had him kneel, laid their hands on his head, and began to pray.

‘That’s a good thing’, Tony wrote, ‘except that they prayed for a long time, and the longer they prayed, the more tired they got, and the more tired they got, the more they leaned on his head.’ I want to tell you that when eight guys are leaning on your head, it doesn’t feel so good.”

To make matters worse, one of the men was not even praying for Tony. He went on and on praying for someone named Charlie Stolzfus:

“Dear Lord, you know Charlie Stolzfus. He lives in that silver trailer down the road a mile. You know the trailer. Lord, just down the road on the right-hand side.” (Tony said he wanted to inform the pray-er that it was not necessary to furnish God with the directional material.)

“Lord, Charlie told me this morning he’s going to leave his wife and three kids. Step in and do something, God. Bring that family back together.”

Tony writes that he finally got the Pentecostal preachers off his head, delivered his message, and got in his car to drive home. As he drove into Pennsylvania Turnpike, he noticed a hitchhiker. I’ll let him tell it from there:

‘We drove a few minutes and I said: “Hi my name’s Tony Campolo. What’s yours?”

He said, “My name is Charlie Stolzfus.”

I couldn’t believe it! I got off the turnpike at the next exit and headed back. He got a bit uneasy with that and after a few minutes he said, “Hey mister, where are you taking me?”

I said, “I’m taking you home.”

He narrowed his eyes and asked, “Why?”

I said, “Because you just left your wife and three kids, right?”

That blew him away. “Yeah, that’s right.”

With shock written all over his face, he plastered himself against the car door and never took his eyes off me.

Then I really did him in as I drove right up to his silver trailer.

When I pulled up, his eyes seemed to bulge as he asked, “How did you know that I lived here?”

I said, “God told me.” (I believe God tell me.)…

When he opened the trailer door his wife exclaimed, “You’re back!” You’re back!”

He whispered in her ear and the more he talked the bigger her eyes got.

Then I said with real authority, “The two of you sit down. I’m going to talk and you two are going to listen!” Man did they listen! (…) That afternoon I led those two people to Jesus Christ.’”

Source: Cited in The Life You’ve Always Wanted, by John Ortberg, 2002, Michigan USA, Zondervan, p.104-105

One little boy in Sunday club was asked to read the opening verses of the Bible aloud but he made a mistake and got one of the words wrong: He said, ‘In the beginning… the Spirit of God was hoovering over the waters!’ (Can you imagine… the Holy Spirit vacuuming!)

A tale is told about several children who found a dead bird, a robin, while they were playing outside. Feeling that a proper burial was in order, they took a small box, lined it with cotton wool, dug a hole in the back garden, and made ready to dispose of the deceased bird. The minister’s 5-year-old son was chosen to say the prayer. And so with great dignity, he intoned, “Glory be to the Father… and unto the Son… and into the hole he goes!”

What will the Vatican give for the pope’s name?

Roger Cadenhead sought an answer to that question.

Upon the death of Pope John Paul, this self-described “domain hoarder” registered www.BenedictXVI.com before the new pope’s name was announced. Cadenhead secured it before Rome knew they even needed it. (The right domain name can prove lucrative. Another name, www.PopeBenedictXVI.com surpassed sixteen thousand dollars on E-bay.)

Cadenhead, however, didn’t want money. A Catholic himself, he’s happy for the church to own the name. “I’m going to try and avoid angering 1.1 billion Catholics and my grandmother,” he quipped.

He would like something in return though. In exchange, Cadenhead sought:

  • “One of those hats”;
  • “A free stay at the Vatican hotel”; and
  • “Complete absolution, no questions asked, for the third week of March 1987.”

Makes you wonder what happened that week, doesn’t it? It may remind you of a week of your own. Most of us have one, or more. A folly-filled summer, a month off track, days gone wild. If a box of tapes existed documenting every second of your life, which tapes would you want to burn? Do you have a season in which you indulged, imbibed or inhaled? Does your third week of March stalk you? It’s time for you to put your “third week of March 1987” to rest… Place the mistake before the judgment seat of God. Let him condemn it, let him pardon it, and let him put it away.

Source: Max Lucado, 2006, Facing Your Giants, Nashville Tennessee: Thomas Nelson, p142-2, 148

Q. How many church members does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Who said anything about change?

Apparently, the following letter was to an insurance company, from a bricklayer who was injured while trying to get a load of bricks down from the top of a twelve-storey building, without any help.

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for further information regarding my recent claim for medical benefits and loss of earnings.

I was working alone on the roof of a 12-storey building and I had about a 500lb load of bricks left over. Instead of carrying the bricks down by hand, I decided to put them in a barrel and lower them down by a pulley, which had already been fastened to the top of the building. First of all, I secured the rope at ground level and then I ran back up to the 12th -floor and swung the barrel of bricks out over the side of the building. Then I came back down to the pavement and untied the rope, holding on to it tightly so that I could guide the barrel down slowly. But since I weigh only 180 pounds, the 500-pound load of bricks jerked me from the ground so fast that I didn’t get chance to think about letting go of the rope!

Somewhere between the 5th and 6th floor, I met the barrel coming down. This accounts for my broken collarbone. I was slowed down slightly but continued my ascent until I reached the top, where my hand then became jammed in the pulley. This accounts for my three broken fingers. Fortunately, I still had sense to hold on to the rope but then the barrel hit the ground and the bottom fell out. With the 500 pounds of bricks now gone, the barrel only weighed about 50 pounds and so, as I am sure you can imagine, my 180-pound body began a swift descent. I met the empty barrel coming up again around the 6th floor and this accounts for my two broken ankles and the lacerations to my lower body. Slowed again, but only slightly, I continued my descent until I landed slap bang on top of the pile of bricks. This accounts for my sprained back and broken arm. It was at this point that I completely lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope! The now empty barrel came crashing down on top of my head and this accounts for my fractured skull.

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5 and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. The mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson: ‘If Jesus were sitting here He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’ Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ‘Ryan, you can be Jesus!’

Henry Ward Beecher was a famous American preacher and a great orator. One day he went to his church to preach and as he placed his Bible on the pulpit he noticed a blank sheet of paper with the word ‘FOOL’ written on it. Someone obviously didn’t agree with his preaching! Beecher’s keen sense of humour seized the moment. He lifted the paper for all to see, then his booming voice filled the church as he announced, ‘Generally I receive letters from people who write and forget to sign their name. This letter is different. The person has signed his name but forgotten to write the letter’!

Source: The UCB Word For Today, 27/03/2008

Man to his wife: “I just can’t figure it out. Why would God make you so beautiful and yet at the same time so stupid?”

Wife to husband: “Oh, that’s easy dear. God made me beautiful so that you’d ask me to marry you, and he made me stupid so that I would agree to it!”

A pastor consulted his doctor about his wife’s snoring. ‘Does it really bother you that much?’ the doctor asked. ‘It’s not just me,’ the pastor replied. ‘It’s bothering the whole congregation!’

Somebody sent me a collection of amusing bulletins that were announced or appeared in church notices. I thought you might appreciate one or two of them; like the church notice that said:

  • Don’t forget the second-hand bring and buy sale on Saturday. It’s a chance to get rid of all those things lying around the house not worth keeping. Bring your husbands.
  • At the service tonight the sermon topic is “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to choir practice.
  • Mothers Union “Good-as-New” Sale: The ladies from the Church have cast off clothing of every kind and they can be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.

The story is told of a monk who joined a monastery and took a vow of silence. Once a year he was invited to appear before the abbot, and he was permitted to say one thing. After the first year when he was asked what he had to say, he replied, ‘The bed is too hard!’

At the end of the second year when he was asked, he responded, ‘The room is too cold!’

At the end of the third year he was asked the same question. He replied, ‘The food is terrible. I quit!’

At that point the abbot smiled with relief and said, ‘Thank goodness! Because you have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!

Dr Joe Brown of Rochester, Minnesota, tells of the frustration he encountered while trying to take a physical history on a patient. The man’s wife kept answering every question. Finally, Dr Brown requested that she leave the room. But after she left he discovered that her husband couldn’t speak. Calling the wife back, Dr Brown apologised for not realising the man had aphasia (loss of speech) and couldn’t speak a word. The wife was even more astonished because she didn’t know either!

Cited in The UCB Word For Today, 13/04/2016

A pastor approached a local farmer on the subject of giving to the church. “If you had £500 and I asked you to give half of it to the Lord, would you do it?” asked the pastor.

“Sure, I would,” answered the farmer.

“And if you owned two head of cattle and I asked you to give one of them to the Lord, would you do it?” asked the pastor again.

“Yes, I would!” came the farmer’s determined response.

“And if you had two pigs, would you also give one of them to the Lord?”

The farmer then looked rather indignant and replied, “Now hang on a minute, Pastor. That’s not fair! You know perfectly well that I have two pigs.”

Jimmy’s mother shouted up the stairs, “Come on, son, it’s time to get up and get ready for school.”

But Jimmy pulled the duvet up over his head and ignored his mother’s calling. A few minutes later she knocked on his door and in a firmer voice she called, “Come on. You have to get up right now, otherwise you’ll be late!”

Jimmy replied from under the covers, “I’m not going to school today. In fact, I’m never going again.”

“Don’t be silly,” said his mother, “You’ve got to go to school.”

“I’m NOT going!” was the response. “There are almost 1000 kids in that school and they all hate me, every last one of them. Even the teachers and the caretaker hate me, and every day I end up in some sort of fight or conflict. So just give me one good reason why I should go.”

“I’ll do more than that,” said his mother. “I’ll give you two: Firstly, because you are 42 years of age, and secondly, because you are the headmaster!”

R. Ian Seymour, excerpt taken from Discover Your True Potential

This amusing story beautifully illustrates how different people have different perceptions…

After World War II, a general and his young lieutenant boarded a train in England. The only seats left were across from a beautiful young lady and her grandmother. The general and the lieutenant say facing the women. As the train pulled into out, it went through a long tunnel. For about ten seconds there was total darkness. In the silence of the moment those on the train heard two things – a kiss and a slap. Everyone on the train had his or her own perception of what happened.

The young lady thought to herself, “I’m flattered that the lieutenant kissed me, but I’m terribly embarrassed that Grandmother hit him!”

The grandmother thought, “I’m aggravated that the young man kissed my granddaughter, but I’m proud she had the courage to retaliate!”

The general sat there, thinking to himself, “My lieutenant showed a lot of guts kissing that girl, but why did she slap me by mistake?”

The lieutenant was the only one on the train who really knew what happened. In that brief moment of darkness he had the opportunity to kiss a pretty girl and slap his general.

Source: John c. Maxwell , Developing The Leader Within You, 1993, Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, p.133

A Christian farmer supposedly taught his horse to start and to stop, using words from the Bible. When he wanted the horse to go, he would shout, ‘Praise the Lord.’ When he wanted the horse to stop, he would shout, ‘Hallelujah.’ All went well until one day a thunderbolt caused the horse to take off galloping at full speed. Realising he had lost control, the farmer panicked and forgot the words he had trained the horse to respond to. Up ahead was a cliff, and they were headed towards it at full speed. Desperately he tried to recall every religious word he’d ever heard of. He shouted, ‘Amen! Jesus saves! Worthy is the Lamb! Holy!’ Nothing worked. Just as the horse approached the precipice, he remembered and shouted, ‘Hallelujah!’ The horse stopped right there on the edge. Relieved, he wiped the sweat off his brow and said, ‘Whew, praise the Lord!’

Source: The UCB Word For Today, 29/01/2018

I love the funny story about a husband and wife who were out shopping and they agreed to meet up at a certain place and time. The husband wasn’t there when he should have been and his wife got crosser and crosser until she eventually called his mobile and said, ‘I’ve been waiting here for 20 minutes, where the heck are you?’

The husband said: ‘Darling, I’m sorry. You remember that jewellery shop where you fell in love with that diamond necklace and I said I couldn’t afford it but I’d buy it for you one day?’

His wife replied: ‘Oh yes, sweetie, I remember.’

The husband said: ‘I’m in the pub next door!’

Some more one liners:

  • I always wanted to be a procrastinator… just never got around to it!
  • When you start to look like your passport photograph it’s a good indication that you need a holiday!
  • One day soon YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will join together. It will be called YouTwitFace.
  • I’m starting a club for insomniacs if anybody’s up for it.
  • I asked the wife what she wanted for Christmas. She said that she didn’t mind as long as it had diamonds in it. A pack of playing cards it is then.
  • If anyone knows how to correct cosmetic surgery that’s gone horribly wrong, I’m all ears.
  • Don’t use a colander for viewing the upcoming eclipse; you might strain your eyes.
  • I suffer from diarrhoea, my dad suffers from diarrhea, and my grandad suffers from diarrhea: Runs in the family!
  • Two coffee beans were talking. “Er, erm, errr, I ummm, err, hmmm, errr,” said the first coffee bean. “Come on,” said the other coffee bean, “Express yourself!”
  • I got my tube of pile ointment mixed up with my Colgate. I now have shrinking gums and a ring of confidence!
  • Just realised that there is a Constipation Club meet up this evening and I can’t go.
  • Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?
  • I’ve got a job in a salt and pepper factory which is great but it’s only seasonal!
  • We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank was a monster.
  • I used to dread walking under horse chestnut trees in the autumn. But after years of therapy… I’ve managed to conker it.
  • Vegans say that butchers are gross. But I think people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.
  • Did you hear the joke about the three holes filled with water? Well. Well. Well.
  • People who use selfie sticks need to take a long look at themselves.
  • I’ve just been to a Vegas Elvis Presley themed steak house. It’s aimed at people who love meat tender.
  • If the Pope buys stuff online, does he use his papal account?

I heard a tale about a little boy who went upstairs to his bedroom to write a letter to God about what he wanted for Christmas. “Dear God, he wrote, “I’ve been very good these last twelve months. Please send me a bike.” Then he thought about it and figured that wasn’t quite truthful, so he screwed it up and started again. “Dear God, I’ve been very good these last few months. Please send me a bike.” But then he thought, ‘No, I can’t even say that’. So he screwed it up again and paced up and down thinking what to write… he really wanted a bike! Finally, he went downstairs to the sitting room where there was a Christmas tree, and beside it, a model of the nativity scene complete with figures and animals. He picked up the Virgin Mary and went back upstairs to his bedroom, took a fresh piece of paper, sat down again as his desk and wrote: Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again…!”

After the church service a little boy walked up to the minister and said, “When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money.”

“Well, thank you,” the minister replied, “but why do you want to do that?”

“Because” said the little boy, “my dad says you’re one of the poorest preachers this church has ever had.”

The strap line to the Alpha Course is ‘Questions of Life?’ and I also have some of my own Questions of life. Questions like:

  • Why don’t you get mouse flavoured cat food? (You can get duck, rabbit, lamb, why not mouse?)
  • Why do we leave cars worth £thousands on the drive and put our useless junk in the garage.
  • Why does the word ‘lisp’ have an S in it?
  • Why do you never see the headline ‘Psychic Wins The Lottery’?
  • Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
  • Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?
  • Why is dyslexia such a hard word to spell?
  • (A bit naughty but…) If love is blind why is lingerie so popular?
  • Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?
  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  • Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
  • You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

I read some quips on how you can tell if you’re getting old. See if you recognise any of these: You know you’re getting older when…

  • You are told to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.
  • Your actions creak louder than your words!
  • It takes more time to recover than it did to tire out!
  • Your knees buckle but your belt won’t and…
  • You wake up feeling like the morning after but you haven’t been anywhere.
  • You sink your teeth into a juicy piece of steak, and they stay there.
  • You turn out the lights to save money and not to be romantic.
  • Personally, I know that the words ‘a chest of drawers’ take on a whole new meaning as you grow older and find yourself constantly trying to stop your chest from falling into your drawers!

A little boy in Sunday school is asked to draw a picture of Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus in the midst of their flight into Egypt. The teacher had been telling them of the time, in Matthew chapter 2, when an angel appears to Joseph in a dream and warns him to flee with his family from the murderous king who wants to kill all the baby boys living in Bethlehem.

So the little boy carefully draws a picture of a huge aeroplane and when the teacher asks him what it is, he points out that it’s the “flight into Egypt”, indicating Joseph, Mary and the baby Jesus, who are sitting happily in the passenger seats.

“But who’s that?” asks the teacher, pointing to a shadowy figure in the cockpit.

Growing a bit tired of the stupid questions, the little boys says, “That’s Pontius the Pilot, of course.”

Source: Rico Tice, One Life What’s It All About, 2011, Malden, Surrey: The Good Book Company, p.105

Funny Father’s Day

A man who was sizing up God by asking, “God how long is a million years to you?”

God said, “A million years is like a second.”

Then the man asked, “Well, then, how much is a million dollars to you?”

God said, “A million dollars is like a penny.”

The man smiled and said, “Could you spare me a penny?”

God smiled back and said, “Sure, just wait a second.”

Source: Mark Batterson, The Circle Maker, 2011, Michigan: Zondervan, p.74

  • Sometimes people think of church as being like a giant helicopter. They don’t want to get too close in case the get sucked into the rotas!
  • Some people say ‘I really want to be used!’ But if you ask them to put the chairs out they say, ‘Now I’m just being used!’
  • A perfect church would be a community of hermits.
  • Why don’t you turn to the person sat next to you and say… ‘This is really embarrassing isn’t it?’
  • Who was it that said that brilliant thing about being conceited? Oh yes, it was me!
  • Sometimes I feel like Joseph at the inn in Bethlehem holding a crib of straw and saying, ‘No, I asked to see the manager!’
  • There’s a fine line between being different to everyone else, and just being a weirdo!
  • Sometimes religion can seem like the last person in a long game of Chinese whispers. Once Jesus said ‘Love God and each other’, and now we have Easter Bunny!

10 Second Sermons by Milton Jones

A young lad was issued with a bad school report and instructed to have his parents sign it. When he got home his dad initially hit the roof but then he was stunned into silence as his son smiled at him and said, “Dad, you should be very proud that your boy has the guts to bring home a school report like this. And besides, at least you know that I didn’t cheat!”

On the subject of prayer, there’s a funny story told about a family who had the minister over for dinner, and when he got there and sat at the table the Mum asked her five-year-old to say grace. Puzzled, the child asked, ‘What should I say?’ Her mum replied, ‘Just say what you’ve heard me say, dear.’ So, bowing her head, the little girl prayed, ‘Dear God, why on earth did I invite the minister over for dinner?’ Amen.

It is not wise to undertake a task or journey without making detailed plans, as the following tale demonstrates:

A man flying in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. Reducing altitude, he spotted a man on the ground and descended to shouting range.

“Excuse me,” he shouted, “can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him a half hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below responded, “You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” responded the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of the information, and the fact is I am still lost.”

Whereupon, the man on the ground responded, “You must be a manager.”

“That I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the engineer, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”

There was once a billionaire who lived in Texas. The man owned around 400,000 acres of prime land on which he had several thousand head of cattle, dozens of producing oil wells and a beautiful 29 roomed mansion complete with an Olympic sized swimming pool. He also had a very beautiful young daughter who was 20 years of age.

Well, the father decided that the time had come for his daughter and only heir to be married and so he set about finding a suitable candidate for her husband. He decided to have a coming-out party and sent out hundreds of invitations to likely candidates, inviting them to his mansion for the party.

Well, the day of the party arrived and almost all of the young men within a 50 mile radius turned up for the big event. There was much feasting, music and dancing. Then, later in the evening the father led everyone out to the swimming pool, which he had previously stocked up with alligators. And he said to the young men, “Now the first one of you who will jump in this pool and swim the length of it, I will give him one of three choices. You can either have 10,000 acres of my best land, or you can have 2 million dollars in cash, or you can have the hand of my beautiful daughter in marriage. Now I don’t need to tell you that she is my only heir and the man who gets her will also, one day, get my whole estate.”

Well, no sooner were the words out of his mouth, there was a big splash down at one end of the swimming pool, followed almost immediately by the emergence of a dripping wet young man at the other end of the pool. He had just set a world record for the fastest swim ever. As he was regaining his breath the host approached him and congratulated him.

The host said, “Son, that was fantastic, well done. Now you get your choice. Do you want the 10,000 acres of land?”

The young man said,” No sir.”

He said, “Well then, do you want the 2 million dollars in cash?”

The young man said, “No sir.”

He said, “Well in that case, I must assume that you want the hand of my beautiful daughter in marriage?”

And the young man said, “No sir.”

So the host said, “Well son, for crying out loud, what do you want?”

The young man replied, “I want to know the name of that dude who pushed me in the pool!”

Source: Zig Ziglar off one of his audio programmes? Also quoted in The Sowers’s Seeds, Vol. 1 p.55

I heard an embarrassing but funny story, apparently true, about someone getting the wrong impression: A lady called Mrs Shelly Watson was about to step out of the shower when she realised there were no clean towels in the bathroom. Not unduly concerned (the house being empty) she walked naked downstairs to get a towel from the tumble drier, which was in the back porch, but she hadn’t managed to get a towel out of the machine when she heard the milkman coming up the porch steps. He always left the milk on the back step and so she quickly stepped inside a cupboard, in case he should look through the screen door and see her. As she stood waiting for him to leave, the cupboard door was suddenly flung open, and standing in front of her was the gas meter reader! In her embarrassment she blurted out, “Aarrgghh! I thought you were the milkman!” – Shelly’s husband, who had come home unexpectedly and had shown the meter reader where to find the meter, was not amused.

Incredible Urban Legends, Tobar Ltd: Suffolk (2007), p.7

In a Sunday school the teacher asked if anyone knew what the Christian name for God was, and Charlie, put up his hand and said, “God’s name is Harold, miss.”

“What makes you think God’s name is Harold?” the teacher asked.

“Because when we say the Lord’s Prayer we say, ‘Our Father in heaven, Harold be your name!’”

I married my wife for better or for worse. I couldn’t have done any better and she couldn’t have done any worse!

I don’t pretend to be the world’s best husband or the world’s greatest expert on marriage but not so long ago my wife said I was a ‘model husband’. I thought that was a compliment until I looked up in the dictionary and discovered that a model is a small imitation of the real thing!

One young lad asked another: “What does your dad do for a living?”

He responded, “He’s an entertainer, a magician. He saws people in half!”

“Wow!” said the first boy. “Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

“Yes,” he said, “I have three half-brothers and two half-sisters!”

I heard a story about a missionary working among children in the Middle East who was driving her jeep down a road when she ran out of petrol. She had no jerry can in her car. All she could find was a potty. She walked a mile down the road to the nearest petrol station and filled the potty with petrol. As she was pouring the petrol into the tank, a large black limousine drew up alongside with two wealthy oil sheikhs in it. They were absolutely fascinated at seeing her pouring the contents of the potty into the jeep. One of them opened the window and said, ‘Excuse me! My friend and I, although we do not share your religion, we greatly admire your faith!’

Quoted by Nicky Gumbel in Alpha Questions of Life, 2007 edition, Eastbourne: Kingsway Communications, p.21

There’s a story told about a vicar who was showing a small boy around his church. Standing before a war memorial he said: ‘These are the names of local people who died in the Services.’

The boy look horrified and asked, ‘Did they die in the morning services or the evening services?’

A wife says to her husband of fifty years as they lie in bed one night, “When we were young, you used to hold my hand every night.”

Slowly and a little irritably, his hand reaches over until it finds hers…

“And when we were young,” she goes on, “you used to cuddle up next to me in bed.”

A little more slowly, her husband’s body creaks and turns until it is nestling against hers…

“And when we were young, you used to nibble on my ears.”

Abruptly the covers are thrown back, and the man lurches out of bed…

“Where are you going?” she asks a little miffed.

“I’m going to get my teeth,” he grumbles.

Source: Tony Evans, Victory In Spiritual Warfare, 2011, Oregon: Harvest House Publishing, p.209-210

A little boy was doing a school project on his family. He came home one day and asked: “Dad, where did I come from?”

The flustered father replied: “The stork brought you.”

A while later he asked his mother, “Mum, where did you come from?”

“I was found under a gooseberry bush,” she said.

Granny also happened to be staying with them so the little boy asked her, and she too held the same line, “The stork brought me,” she said.

Well next day, he went back to school and started to write his project. It began: “There hasn’t been a normal birth in our family for three generations!”

Source: The Real Christmas, Christianity Explored booklet, by Marcus Hodder and Tim Thornborough, New Malden, Surrey: The Good Book Company, p.3-4

If you ever get bored going to church John Pritchard shares three tips to help make services more interesting:

  • Practise sleeping with your eyes open. It’s not easy but it’s a useful transferable skill!
  • Dedicate several minutes to reaching for a packet of sweets in your pocket, taking the wrapper off and getting it into your mouth, without making a noise and without anyone noticing. Score 2 points if you get your hand in your pocket, 5 for getting the wrapper off and 10 if you make it to your mouth. (If you succeed you’ll feel enormous satisfaction, but the points automatically transfer to the other person if they catch you!)
  • For adults: Work out some congregational chants to liven up the service. Like this one for Anglican churches: ‘What do we want?’ ‘Gradual change!’ ‘When do we want it?’ ‘In due course!’ – Of course, it’s unwise to actually use the chants during the service but the fantasy will be eminently enjoyable!

John Pritchard, Going to Church, 2009, London: SPCK, p.29

A newly installed pastor went out visiting his church members in their homes. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but nobody came to answer his repeated knocks at the door. Finally, the pastor took out his card and wrote “Revelation 3v20” on the back of it and stuck it through the letter box. Well, when the collection plate was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Below the pastor’s message was the added notation, “Genesis 3v10”. Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke out in laughter. Revelation 3v20 begins “Behold, I stand at the door and knock.” Genesis 3v10 reads, “I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.”

One beautiful summer’s day a new father was walking through the park, pushing his infant son in his pram. The child was screaming loudly but the father, with a determined look on his face, kept murmuring in a reassuring voice, “Easy now, Donald. Everything is going to be alright, you’ll see. Just keep calm. It’s okay, were nearly home, Donald. Come on… that’s it, calm down, relax… that’s it, you’re doing fine.”

Just then a woman passed by and smiling warmly she said to the young father, “Well, you certainly know how to talk to an upset child – calmly and reassuringly.” The woman then poked her head into the pram and said, “There, there Donald, what’s the matter then?”

“Oh, no!” said the father: “His name is George. I’m Donald!”

Someone well-known in his earlier years for arrogance and pride was the boxer, Muhammad (“I’m the greatest”) Ali. I have read that he apparently once refused to fasten his seatbelt on an airplane. After repeated requests by the flight attendant to buckle up, Ali finally said, “Superman don’t need no seatbelt.” To which the flight attendant wonderfully replied, “Superman don’t need no airplane!”

Cited by John Ortberg in The Life You’ve Always Wanted, 2002, Michigan USA, Zondervan, p.120-121

Did you hear about the guy who prayed, ‘Lord, so far today I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped or lost my temper, and I haven’t been nasty or greedy or grumpy. But in a few minutes I am going to have to get out of bed, and then I am going to need all the help I can get.’

I once hear about a minister who had been given a pie by a member of his congregation. It was so bad that he had to throw it in the garbage. The next Sunday when his parishioner asked him what he thought of it, he replied, “A pie like that never lasts long around our house!”

Source: A Fresh The UCB Word For Today by Bob Gass, Sept 20, p.263

Someone asked my wife: “Do you ever wake up grumpy in the morning?”

“No,” she said, “I let him sleep.”

A Sunday school class were studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. A little girl, Charlotte, raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbour’s wife.”

Andy Park, who calls himself “Mr Christmas”, has celebrated Christmas every day since 1994. He drinks champagne, sends himself cards and gifts, and sits down to a turkey dinner after watching a recording of the Queen’s speech. Over the years, Mr Park has chewed his way through 150,000 Brussel sprouts, and eaten in excess of 100,000 mince pies, washed down with gallons of sherry.

But all of this joyful celebration has not come without cost. Mr Park, an electrician, was advised by doctors to stop his habit when his weight ballooned to over 19 stone. Mr Park, who is single, confesses he has spent a small fortune on Christmas, adding, “It’s hard to find a woman who wants to celebrate Christmas every day with you.”

I want to say to him, “It might also be something to do with sprouts, Andy!” – Tim Thornborough

Source: Tim Thornborough, 2016, How To Have A Happy Christmas, booklet by The Good Book Company

Most people’s opinion of a good sermon is one that goes right over their heads and hits their neighbour right between the eyes!

The associate minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge. – Up Yours!”

A humourist explaining his predisposition to procrastinate once said, “I am rather like a mosquito in a nudist camp: I know what I ought to do, but I don’t know where to begin.” – Anon

Chances are someone in the church has offended you! (And if they haven’t… they will do!) Can I ask for a show of hands please: Hands up if someone in the church has ever upset you in some way (and I am not going to ask you who it was or what they did or said). – Brothers/sisters, if you haven’t done so already deal with it… you’re going to spend the rest of eternity together, and God has a sense of humour, He’ll probably sit you next to each other at the banqueting table!

I saw a ‘For Sale’ advert the other day that read: Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, Excellent condition, £100 o.n.o. No longer needed, got married; wife knows everything!

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker’s bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: “Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep husky voice, the woman next to him says: “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it’s only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

  1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
  2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
  3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
  4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
  5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Cowboy, do you really want to tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters: “Nope… not if I’m gonna have to explain it 5 times!”

I saw a “Cathy” cartoon strip that illustrates how a tempting thought, if left unchecked, can manifest into full-blown sin – (it’s an American cartoon but it still works – about a lady trying to diet):

Frame 1: ‘I will take a drive, but won’t go near the grocery store.’

Frame 2: ‘I will drive by the grocery store, but will not go in.’

Frame 3: ‘I’ll go in the grocery store, but will not go down the aisle where the candy is on sale.’

Frame 4: ‘I will look at the candy, but not pick it up.’

Frame 5: ‘I will pick it up, but not buy it.’

Frame 6: ‘I will buy it, but not open it.’

Frame 7: ‘Open it, but not smell it.’

Frame 8: ‘Smell it, but not taste it.’

Frame 9: ‘Taste it, but not eat it.’

Frame 10: ‘EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT, EAT!

Humorous graffiti:

  • Someone graffiti’-d on a blackboard outside a restaurant: Under the heading ‘Today’s Special’ they scribbled the words: ‘So is Tomorrow’!
  • On a travel agent’s window someone scribbled, ‘Please go away!’
  • (My favourite): A chap went into the men’s room to wash his hands and someone had graffiti-d on the hand blower. The graffiti said, ‘Press this button for a message from the prime minister!’

During the introduction to a seminar one speaker – expecting a positive response – said, “Let me ask you this, why are you all here?”

A wit in the audience chirped up, “Because we are not all there?!”

After a big argument, a couple were driving along in silence when they passed a field filled with mules and donkeys. “Relatives of yours?” he asked.

“Yes,” she replied, “in-laws!”

(Talking of unity, or lack of it): I heard a joke about Tonto and the Lone Range. They were riding through a canyon together when all of a sudden they were surrounded on all sides by Indians with war paint on, riding horseback and armed to the teeth!

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and asked, “Yikes! What are we going to do?”

Tonto replied, “What you mean ‘we,’ Whiteman?”

So much for unity!

I love this snippet found in an old copy of an American edition of Reader’s Digest. The article said: ‘While our friends from India travelled around California on business, they left their 11 year-old-daughter with us. Curious about my going to church one Sunday morning, she decided to come along. When we returned home, my husband asked her what she thought of the service.

“I don’t understand why the West Coast isn’t included in the blessing too,” she replied.

When we inquired what she meant she added, “You know, in the name of the Father, the Son, and the whole East Coast!”

A Catholic saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine. His neighbour, a Hindu from Nepal, saw it and said, “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha!”

There is a story told about a young lad who brought his friend home from school, but he was embarrassed because his granny was sitting in the armchair reading her Bible. The boy, feeling uncomfortable, turned to his friend and whispered, ‘Don’t worry about Granny; she’s revising, she’s swotting for her finals!’

Source: adapted from All I Want is You by Sandy Millar p.86

A father said to his teenage daughter, “For the whole of your life we have either had to bribe you or else practically force-feed you to eat fruit and vegetables, and now you tell us you’ve become a vegetarian!”

Did you hear the one about a wife who told her marriage counsellor: “We’re considering divorce for religious reasons: My husband thinks he’s God and I don’t!”

Yuri Gagarin, the first man in space, reportedly said from orbit: “I don’t see any God up here” (though, as someone later pointed out, he would have done if he’d opened the hatch)!

Explore Bible notes, 10/12/2011

One wife said to her husband, “I thought you were well-off before I married you.” He replied, “I was!”

A bride’s first three thoughts at a church wedding:

Aisle

Altar

Hymn

British people are a funny lot. We order a deep pan pizza, garlic bread, deep fried onion rings, large fries, a tub of double chocolate-chip ice-cream… and a DIET COKE! What’s all that about?

“Things have become that bad where I live that even the Samaritans have gone ex-directory!”

Anon

Some people are more prone to worry than others. Two cardiologists, Dr Meyer Friedman and Dr Ray Rosenman, after conducting research into the effects of stress upon the heart, divided people into two groups: Type A and Type B. Type A people were more prone to worry than Type B and were three times more likely to have a stroke or a heart attack than those in Type B category, even if they were doing the same sort of work and living in similar conditions. Rob Parsons, Director of Care For The Family, has identified some of the characteristics of Type A personalities – see if any of these ring true with you:

  • We are very competitive. We compete over everything and find to our embarrassment that when playing board games with small children we are desperately trying to win.
  • We cannot resist a telephone ringing. The worst thing in life that can happen to us is to get to the telephone just as it stops ringing. If that happens we begin to ring people, asking: ‘Was that you trying to get me a moment ago?’
  • We swap lanes in traffic jams – even though we know that there is an eternal law that the lane we have just joined will now move more slowly than the lane we have just left.
  • When driving down motorways we are constantly working out complicated mathematical sums: ‘Stoke-on-Trent is ninety miles. If I drive at ninety miles per hour it will take me an hour. If I drive at one hundred and eighty miles an hour it will take me half an hour. If I drive at seventy miles an hour… no, that’s too difficult.’
  • We hate stopping for petrol. Why do we hate it so much? It’s because when we pull in the service station we look out over the road and see all the cars and lorries we had overtaken going past.

Source: Quoted by Nicky Gumbel in The Jesus Lifestyle, 2010, London: Alpha International, p.177

Funny Abby recites Psalm 23

See also text

Funny Children Fighting On The Way To Church

Funny Kids letters to God! Steve Harvey

Funny Mother’s Day; Mom Song

Funny selective attention test

Funny Shock Surprise

Funny The Good-o-Meter

Funny The Most Touching Speech Made by Bride’s Father to the Groom

Funny What old people do for fun!