Joke

There was once a billionaire who lived in Texas. The man owned around 400,000 acres of prime land on which he had several thousand head of cattle, dozens of producing oil wells and a beautiful 29 roomed mansion complete with an Olympic sized swimming pool. He also had a very beautiful young daughter who was 20 years of age.

Well, the father decided that the time had come for his daughter and only heir to be married and so he set about finding a suitable candidate for her husband. He decided to have a coming-out party and sent out hundreds of invitations to likely candidates, inviting them to his mansion for the party.

Well, the day of the party arrived and almost all of the young men within a 50 mile radius turned up for the big event. There was much feasting, music and dancing. Then, later in the evening the father led everyone out to the swimming pool, which he had previously stocked up with alligators. And he said to the young men, “Now the first one of you who will jump in this pool and swim the length of it, I will give him one of three choices. You can either have 10,000 acres of my best land, or you can have 2 million dollars in cash, or you can have the hand of my beautiful daughter in marriage. Now I don’t need to tell you that she is my only heir and the man who gets her will also, one day, get my whole estate.”

Well, no sooner were the words out of his mouth, there was a big splash down at one end of the swimming pool, followed almost immediately by the emergence of a dripping wet young man at the other end of the pool. He had just set a world record for the fastest swim ever. As he was regaining his breath the host approached him and congratulated him.

The host said, “Son, that was fantastic, well done. Now you get your choice. Do you want the 10,000 acres of land?”

The young man said,” No sir.”

He said, “Well then, do you want the 2 million dollars in cash?”

The young man said, “No sir.”

He said, “Well in that case, I must assume that you want the hand of my beautiful daughter in marriage?”

And the young man said, “No sir.”

So the host said, “Well son, for crying out loud, what do you want?”

The young man replied, “I want to know the name of that dude who pushed me in the pool!”

Source: Zig Ziglar off one of his audio programmes? Also quoted in The Sowers’s Seeds, Vol. 1 p.55

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!

After a big argument, a couple were driving along in silence when they passed a field filled with mules and donkeys. “Relatives of yours?” he asked.

“Yes,” she replied, “in-laws!”

A sign outside a church read: “Don’t be anxious. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the church help you.”

A freshly minted lieutenant wanted to impress the first private to enter his new office, and he pretended to be on the phone with a general so that the private would know that he was somebody.

“Yes sire, General, you can count on me,” he said as he banged the receiver down. Then he asked the private what he wanted.

“I’m just here to connect your phone, sir.”

Source: John Ortberg, The Me I Want To Be, 2010, Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, p.24

As the collection plate was being passed around the little church an old man looked at his grandson and said, “How much you got on you, son?”

The little boy dug into his pockets, pulled out two coins and replied, “I’ve got 60p – a 50 and a 10.”

“Well, decide which one are you going to give,” said grandpa smiling. “And remember, the Lord loves a cheerful giver!”

As the plate passed by the boy added his coin to the collection. Then his grandpa turned to him and whispered, “How much did you put in, son?”

“I put the 10p in grandpa.”

“But I told you that the Lord loves a cheerful giver!”

“Yes”, said the boy, “and I felt much more cheerful giving the 10p!”

…

(The grandpa was hoping the lad would up his pledge… how about you, have you upped yours? )

The associate minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge. – Up Yours!”

(Talking of unity, or lack of it): I heard a joke about Tonto and the Lone Range. They were riding through a canyon together when all of a sudden they were surrounded on all sides by Indians with war paint on, riding horseback and armed to the teeth!

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and asked, “Yikes! What are we going to do?”

Tonto replied, “What you mean ‘we,’ Whiteman?”

So much for unity!

‘Advantages of Being a Man’

  1. Men don’t have to shave below the neckline
  2. Men can open their own jam jars
  3. Men can go to the bathroom by themselves in a restaurant.
  4. Men can do their Christmas shopping in 45 minutes flat!
  5. Men can do their nails with a pocket knife
  6. Car mechanics always tell men the truth!
  7. Men can watch football with other men without thinking they’re crazy.

by Richard Coekin

A humourist explaining his predisposition to procrastinate once said, “I am rather like a mosquito in a nudist camp: I know what I ought to do, but I don’t know where to begin.”

Q: Why did the teenager cross the road? – A: Because his parents asked him not to!

One writer, rather cynically, said, Christmas shopping is like a tumble dryer: you go round and round the shops in circles, get very hot, and then when you get home you realise you’ve been taken to the cleaners! There has got to be more to Christmas than shopping, surely.

Source: Vaughan Roberts booklet, Christmas In Three Words.

Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

After a big argument, a couple were driving along in silence when they passed a field filled with mules and donkeys. “Relatives of yours?” he asked. “Yes,” she replied, “in-laws!”

The words ‘a chest of drawers’ take on a whole new meaning as you grow older and find yourself constantly trying to stop your chest from falling into your drawers!

You know you are old when you have lost all your marvels.

You know you are getting old when actions creak louder than words.

You know you are getting old when you are told to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.

How well do you know the Bible? There is a story told about a young lad who brought his friend home from school, but he was embarrassed because his granny was sitting in the armchair reading her Bible. The boy, feeling uncomfortable, turned to his friend and whispered, ‘Don’t worry about Granny, she’s revising; she’s swotting for her finals!’

Two caterpillars sitting on a leaf saw a butterfly passing by. One turned to the other and said, ‘Huh, you won’t catch me up there in one of those things!’

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

Anon.

If you want something doing, do it yourself, pay someone else to do it or ask your children not to do it!

“I am absolutely convinced that there is no life on Mars, because there is no entries on my teenage daughter’s phone bill.”

Attributed to Larry Matthews

During parents evening at school, Johnny’s teacher said, “The good news is that Johnny comes up with some very creative ideas. The bad news is that they are all in his spelling!”

Most people’s opinion of a good sermon is one that goes right over their heads and hits their neighbour right between the eyes!

At Christmas the overcrowding on the streets and in the shops can lead to so-called ‘Santa-Claustrophobia’!

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish!

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas. Gee thanks, I’ll never part with it!

As the bush fire drew closer, two wood pigeons decided in was time make their escape and fly off. “What about me?” said their friend, the toad, “Won’t you help me?” At length, it was agreed that they would carry a stick between their two beaks and that toad would hold onto the stick with his mouth. As they flew high up in the air a fire fighter saw the unusual sight and said aloud, “Wow! I wonder who thought up that trick.”

“I did,” said the toad!

Moral: Sometimes it pays to keep your mouth shut.

There is nothing quite so infuriating than to have someone continue talking when you are trying to interrupt!

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: “Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep husky voice, the woman next to him says: “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it’s only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

  1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
  2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
  3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
  4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
  5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Cowboy, do you really want to tell that blonde joke? The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters: “Nope… not if I’m gonna have to explain it 5 times!

You know how sometimes people are sent on a training course at work and they really, really don’t want to go! Well, at the beginning of one inaugural session the opening speaker – expecting a positive response – addressed the delegates by saying: Let me ask this, why are you all here? And a wit in the audience piped up, “Because we are not all there!”

A humourist explaining his predisposition to procrastinate once said, “I am rather like a mosquito in a nudist camp: I know what I ought to do, but I don’t know where to begin.” – Anon

There is a story told about a young lad who brought his friend home from school, but he was embarrassed because his granny was sitting in the armchair reading her Bible. The boy, feeling uncomfortable, turned to his friend and whispered, ‘Don’t worry about Granny; she’s revising, she’s swotting for her finals!’

Source: adapted from All I Want is You by Sandy Millar p.86

A bride’s first three thoughts at a church wedding:

Aisle

Altar

Hymn

One money-conscious wife said to her husband, “I thought you were well-off before I married you.” He replied sarcastically, “I was!”

10 Things That Men WANT To Say To But Don’t.

  1. Don’t ask if your outfit makes you look fat. If you think you look fat, you are.
  2. Don’t ask me if you should cut, colour or perm your hair – it always causes arguments!
  3. If you ask me a question that you don’t really want to know the answer to, then you’ll get an answer that you don’t really want to hear.
  4. Whatever you wear is fine, really!
  5. Yes, it looks great… How much did it cost?
  6. Ask me for whatever it is that you want, but don’t expect me to guess.
  7. If something I said can be interpreted in two ways and one of the ways makes you feel sad or angry, I meant the other one!
  8. When I say I’m not that hungry, it’s not because I don’t like what you’ve cooked.
  9. Please, please, cut out the peripheral and just get to the point!
  10. A headache that lasts for 18 months is a problem; see a doctor!

attributed to Ruth Dearnley

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met! – Rodney Dangerfield

A bride’s first three thoughts at a church wedding:

Aisle

Altar

Hymn

Behind every successful man there is always a good woman!

“Too many marriages start out in bliss and end up in blisters.” – Fred Smith

Two men walk into a bar … Ouch!

“If you aren’t fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.”

Vince Lombardi

A ‘procrastinator’ is the polite way of describing a person suffering from attainment constipation!

Today’s great labour-saving device is tomorrow!

I’d give my right hand to be ambidextrous.

“My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.” – Anon.

In a cartoon strip Charlie Brown says to his friend Linus, ‘What would you do if you felt that no one liked you?’ Linus replies, ‘I’d see what I could improve.’ To which Charlie Brown replies, ‘I hate that answer!

When asked how he was, one positive individual said, “Man, if I felt any better I’d be twins!”

It’s said that men with no hair at the back are great lovers. Men with no hair at the front are great thinkers. And men with no hair at the back or the front just think they are great lovers!

Predestination is like the quadruplets who became clergymen; it was four-ordained!