Some more one liners:

• I always wanted to be a procrastinator… just never got around to it!
• When you start to look like your passport photograph it’s a good indication that you need a holiday!
• One day soon YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will join together. It will be called YouTwitFace.
• I’m starting a club for insomniacs if anybody’s up for it.
• I asked the wife what she wanted for Christmas. She said that she didn’t mind as long as it had diamonds in it. A pack of playing cards it is then.
• If anyone knows how to correct cosmetic surgery that’s gone horribly wrong, I’m all ears.
• Don’t use a colander for viewing the upcoming eclipse; you might strain your eyes.
• I suffer from diarrhoea, my dad suffers from diarrhea, and my grandad suffers from diarrhea: Runs in the family!
• Two coffee beans were talking. “Er, erm, errr, I ummm, err, hmmm, errr,” said the first coffee bean. “Come on,” said the other coffee bean, “Express yourself!”
• I got my tube of pile ointment mixed up with my Colgate. I now have shrinking gums and a ring of confidence!
• Just realised that there is a Constipation Club meet up this evening and I can’t go.
• Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?
• I’ve got a job in a salt and pepper factory which is great but it’s only seasonal!
• We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank was a monster.
• I used to dread walking under horse chestnut trees in the autumn. But after years of therapy… I’ve managed to conker it.
• Vegans say that butchers are gross. But I think people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.
• Did you hear the joke about the three holes filled with water? Well. Well. Well.
• People who use selfie sticks need to take a long look at themselves.
• I’ve just been to a Vegas Elvis Presley themed steak house. It’s aimed at people who love meat tender.
• If the Pope buys stuff online, does he use his papal account?