Ten Things You Never Hear Said In A Church:

1. I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before.
2. I’m so excited about the 52-week sermon series on Leviticus.
3. I don’t think the vicar ought to try ‘House of the Rising Sun’ at the Family Service again.
4. It’s my turn to sit on the front pew.
5. I was so enjoying the sermon I completely forgot I was due on the golf course at noon.
6. Vicar, we’d like to send you on this month-long training course in the Bahamas.
7. I volunteer to be a permanent teacher in the Sunday School.
8. The Annual Church Meeting is the highlight of my year.
9. I always feel better after I’ve doubled my annual stewardship pledge.
10. Jesus who?

John Pritchard, Going to Church, 2009, London: SPCK, p.41